Today was quite nice. I headed to the station near my school early in the morning and after switching at Umeda I happened to see Markus in the next train car, which was quite convinient. I met his girlfriend, Dani. She's really cool! She's from Germany, and I can definately see that they are a good match for each other. When we arrived at the station we went into the McDonald's to wait for Kaori to come. She was a little late, but that was okay. We went to her small apartment which was nearby, and went inside. Her apartment is real small, but that's normal considering she's just finished college. I'd say it's about the size of a college dorm with a little kitchen and bathroom. Still, I suspect if I do end up living here someday I'll have a similar apartment too XD
I talked a lot with Dani, as I'd just met her and was really curious and stuff. We eventually got to eating, and it was delicious! We had okonomiyaki, which is a Japanese food that I'm too tired to describe now. Kaori made two versions - the regular Japanese version, and the version she made for her host family in Australia. The "Australian version" was better, but only because it had cheese XD And I <3 cheese. Still, it's all really tasty. After that we played Uno, which was tons of fun. I couldn't believe that I'd forgotten how to play it! I used to play it all the time with my grandpa and mom. It is a lot of fun when you play in a group, too.
After awhile Markus and Dani had to leave, and then Kaori and I went to this Takarazuka Museum thing since my host mom gave me tickets last night and from what she told me I thought they had to be used today but then I looked again and they didn't, but oh well. It was interesting but the actual theatre and musicals are much better.
Then I had to head home, and I said goodbye to Kaori. When I arrived I showered and stuff, and I began to feel bad. I realized something... Well, not only has it been four weeks since my host family change, but I feel like I've become a different person since then, and I really don't like what I see. With my old host family I'd become someone I really liked - I was helpful, talkative, becoming more independent, I wasn't using the computer all the time, I was studying Japanese really hard. In the last two weeks there I was happy, positive, optimistic, and really felt good about myself and my exchange. It wasn't until I had to go to Yoshimura-san's house that I felt any different. While I was there I kinda had this feeling like I knew this host family change would happen... I wasn't real sure, though. And then when she told me... At first I lost it, but then the next day I thought that if I tried really really hard, maybe this wouldn't go through. I tried so hard, and had improved even more on what I'd already accomplished. I remember that Friday when I went on the class trip to the beach, and then when I came home and talked with Okaa-san and Otou-san so much, and then on Saturday when I went for that walk with Okaa-san I really felt like I'd become someone that both they would like and I liked, too.
Now, all of that is gone. I know that I can't go back, but I also realize that I've really changed, too. I'm whiny, I do nothing to help because I never see anything that I CAN do (host mom does all the house work things when I'm asleep or when I'm not home), I am horribly up and down with my feelings, and I don't study nearly enough. Today again I just got into a habit of speaking English and even when I could have spoken Japanese with Kaori I didn't. I think I have become pretty independent, as far as being able to go places by myself, though. Although some of the other lines confuse me, I can figure out the subways very easily. I don't think I could use a bus other than the ones I use now, but I still kinda know how those work, too. This has come with a cost, though. The most places I go, the more money I spend @_@ Whoops.
So yeah. I know I can't go back with my old host family, but I also know that because of what happened, the good person I had become is gone. I can't become that person here... I try, but it doesn't work. This family's lifestyle really doesn't fit with that. I try to get things for myself, like a glass of water or some food, but if I'm not careful my host mom does it for me. I would help with the dishes but I have yet to see her do them. I would help with putting my laundry away but she seems pretty insistant on doing a lot of these things for me so I feel like if I go and do this for her, she might be unhappy or insulted. And just a lot of other things...
Blah. Why do I have to be like this? I am so difficult... I wish I could just be happy on the weekends and when I'm not at school.