Obviously, 2004 has been a big year for me. A very big year. My sixteenth year of living, to be exact. I got my driver's liscense, I started dating, I ate octopus and squid for the first time...

Oh yeah, I went to Japan, too.

There have been so many new experiences, and I've met a lot of new people. I learned a new language. I went to another country. I flew in an airplane for the first time. I rode on public buses and trains for the first time. I lived with three different families who each touched my life in their own ways, and still had my own family back at home who did (and still are doing) so much for me. I made so many friends and discovered just how strong my friendships back at home were.

I want to thank everyone out there who has helped me through this year. Everyone who's commented, everyone who's e-mailed. Everyone who gave me even the tiniest bit of support to me this year. I love you guys <3

From now on, this journal is friends only. It's causing too many problems leaving it open to the public =/ Comment if you want me to add you <333

It figures. When my host family's home, I want to be alone. When they are gone, I wish someone was home. This morning I woke up, ate, watched some TV, went to my room and played Game Boy for awhile, ate again, then slept which I shouldn't have done because I sleep too much, and now I am here. I do NOT want to study. It's too hot and I just don't feel like it, plus I need something to do on the train to Tokyo (If I do go).

Gah, I should not be wasting time. I should be studying, yet every part of me says I should be lazy. I am lazy too much. Like every weekend. Bleh.

I'm a lil' frustrated right now. Today I have been experiencing horrible cramps, and I could NOT get it through to my host mother even with the dictionary. She totally doesn't get it and older host sister still isn't home yet. So I did absolutely nothing today except sit around and watch Kodocha and Harry Potter. My host mom said that we would go see the new HP movie this week, but it never happened.

Other things bothering me - they said no AC till July. Well, it's July, and they have the AC on in the kitchen, but no where else. I might ask if I can turn it on in my room tonight because the fan isn't even helping anymore, but I figure since Minori hasn't turned it on at all already that I probably can't. Also, there is no soap left so I couldn't shower. I can't wash my hair till tomorrow anyway because of the dye, and immediately after I get out of the shower I'm sweating again so there is no point in using just water. Plus the fact that they were just at the grocery store is what pisses me off the most. Did I also mention that we went nearly a WEEK with no toilet paper once too? Only tissues for a week. They don't even think to ask me to go buy this stuff, too, like they think I'm not capable. I may not know much Japanese but I think I am perfectly capable of buying toilet paper. They know I can read katakana, too, so I think I can buy soap. Ugh.

I want to go back to school >_< Since everyone's busy studying I can't ask peoples to do stuff this weekend. Mika and Minori are finished with their tests, but Minori has her school club stuff and Mika has her school and part time job stuff...

I am not depressed like I was before, just kinda frustrated. Frustrated with YFU stuff, too. I still can't get ahold of Mamiko. Grr. It'll prolly be too late tomorrow to say no now =/

I know, I am being incredibly whiny. Although I am frustrated with a few things, I do like my host family overall. I will have Mika explain to host mom that I had really bad cramps today... if she ever comes home o_o I'm also going to bug about the AC. Have a nice day <33

Sorry I haven't updated in a few days, as I've been trying to cut back on my net time and I just forgot to write. I can't really remember exact details for some reason, but stuffs have been pretty good. However, I'm really kinda at a toss up right now. I really don't want to go to Tokyo anymore, because I don't want any special treatment and I don't need it anymore. I am fine now that I know what my problem was. Also, apparently if this counsellor thinks I should go home, they are making me go home. What a bunch of bullshit.

In other news, I dyed my hair! :D It's red again. w00t. Actually kinda pinkish, although that was unintentional it does look pretty neato. Older host sister dyed it for me, and we had lots of fun. Then yesterday at school I found out that hair dying is actually against the rules, even though almost every student has their hair dyed. How weird is that? Even so, they don't seem to mind with me, especially since I can't get my natural color back anymore.

Today has been rather uneventful. I'm not feeling just the greatest thanks to cramps. I rode bike around to wake myself up, but it didn't help much, although I did kinda learn my way around the area a little more.

It is too hot... We actually had the AC on last night, but they've turned it off now. Grr. It makes more sense to me to have it on during the day, but whatever. I'm going to go lay down because cramps suck and I should be studying anyway.

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• kasumi_ishida, jturbeville, kidogirl, rabow, sailortakeru, dacoolchic, bcvm22


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• kasumi_ishida, kidogirl, akilika, pixie_cheetah, sailortakeru, kefkafloyd, miyako_teel


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• kasumi_ishida, kidogirl, lopmonde, pixie_cheetah, miyako_teel, patarite, ladytimedramon


• kasumi_ishida, kidogirl, pixie_cheetah, miyako_teel, patarite, ladytimedramon, mikae

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Every single one of those peoples are from Megchan's. Such a weird group we were/are =P ;)

Today again was good. I know I shouldn't count on it, as I obviously am horribly mood swingy, but I am definately feeling a lot better now. Today was mostly spent studying Japanese and writing lil' notes back and forth to various classmates. Miki-chan and I are going to do stuffs... not this Saturday but the next! Whoo hoo! And then that Sunday is my planned trip to Osaka Castle with a bunch of other friends(which I have now already seen, whoops), but I dunno if everyone else is still able. I guess I'll find out soon enough huh? =P

This weekend is looking like it'll be pretty dull, though. Just waiting for Monday to come when I leave for Tokyo, since everyone will be too busy with the studying. I might go see Hiromi, I dunno. Maybe if host mom isn't busy I can go do a lil' much needed shopping. We'll see :)

Have a nice day :D

Oh yeah... I <333 the 100 yen shop. I got the cutest lil' Hello Kitty padded bag for my MD player ^_^

Not much time, as I am looking too much into these neato electronic dictionaries, but I just wanted to say that today was actually a *good* day! Again, I am way too up and down. Talked with friends, learned some Japanese, did some swimming and got some really good times (which surprised me greatly), and got my MD player! :D Now I just need to wait for older host sister to teach me how to use it XD I also talked briefly with Mamiko, and while I'm in Tokyo I get to go to that neato electronics district (what's the name? I forgot) and look at dictionaries, although if my mom can get one cheap off of ebay first then I'll do that. They are so expensive, but so cool ;_; Yupperz.

That's about it. Gah, I am so horribly mood swingy. Have a nice day <33

Today. Not so good. Not even going to write about it because I have too many depressing entries o_o;; I seriously wonder if I have some sort of mental issues, because I don't think *normal* people feel this way about themselves =/ Oh well.

Sorry for letting you all down. I know you all want me to be having a good time and a successful exchange... but I really am doubting if I am capable of it.

Today was the first time I saw my old host family in about a month and a half. It felt really, really weird. It felt like the entire day was like a trip into the past. Like the last month and a half had never happened, and I picked up where I left off. Like a distant memory brought back to life...

We made our way to Tsurumi Ryokuchi Park, where the circus was at. It was really neat, seeing a Japanese circus. It wasn't much different from the American ones, except the annoucements were mostly in Japanese (some in English). Most of the preformers were foreigners. It was a lot of fun. I even enjoyed the clowns, which is like a first.

After this we went back onto the subway and stopped at Osaka Business Park where we went into this fancy hotel and got something to eat. I'm noticing that they always pick really nice places to eat ^^* Before my trip to stay with Yoshimura-san, I had never eaten at a fast food place at all during my time in Japan. The food was really good. We even got ice cream, too.

After this we went to Osaka Castle. At this point I was feeling kinda bad because I wasn't talking much. I just got super shy... Before today I thought they didn't like me, and I didn't want that so yeah. I really wish I had just talked, though =/ Osaka Castle was pretty neato, but not as exciting as I thought it would be. The inside was entirely modernized. I thought there would at least be a few rooms that were in the old style. It was like one big history lesson. The outside and the very top are the best parts.

After this we walked awhile and stopped at a little place for desserts and Sali gave me my phone bill. Not at ALL what I expected. I knew it would be more expensive than what I was planning on, but not this much - 5000 yen the first month, and I hadn't even made any phone calls. When I did actually make some calls, it was over 8000 yen. Eeep. I'm going to be getting a prepaid phone. Even if my parents are paying for it, I feel guilty spending so much =/

When we went back down to the subway, Sali had to say goodbye and rush off as she was a little late for some karate competition. I felt bad because I couldn't say anything, I was so close to crying. Then Okaa-san and I went to where I needed to get on - we lost Otou-san, so yet again I didn't get to say goodbye to him. When I said goodbye to Okaa-san, I did start to cry, and I couldn't stop. She told me to be careful in Tokyo and stuff like that. It was nice to see her smile, though.

Even after all that's happened... I miss them so much. I just don't understand why things had to happen this way... But now, I lay the blame mostly on Yoshimura-san, my dumbass area rep. The whole time she made it seem to me like the problems I had with my first host family were all normal and that it was all okay. She also kept so many things from me she should not have. Maybe I shouldn't think this way, and I do realize that there are things both myself and my first host family could have done to have had things go differently, but I still believe it could have been worked out had I just known what was going on.

So now I'm really down... Even though today was a lot of fun, I feel like I'm seriously back at the beginning. Yeah, I like this host family, and things are okay here, but... I just wish this whole mess hadn't happened. If I could redo everything up until down, I would. But I can't... I screwed up, and there is nothing I can do about it.

...Give up already. I swear, the phone is ringing there ALL THE FREAKING TIME. These morons just keep on trying to call, it continuously rings. I can't answer, as my Japanese sucks and the last time I tried to I ended up making someone think they had the wrong number.

I am suuuuper tired and sick of that phone ~_~;; It is either constantly ringing or constantly being talked on by host mom when she's actually home, and it's really annoying because she talks so freaking loudly, like my own mother on the phone, and it sounds like the same stuff over and over again. No one's home now, so it just keeps ringing. You'd think they'd get the hint that no one is home after four or five rings, but they feel they must wait till ten or twenty before finally hanging up...

Bleh.

Today I got an e-mail from my old host mother for the first time in over a month! I was quite surprised. I'd remembered Mika saying something that I would be seeing them soon and I think Sali was supposed to e-mail me, but she must have forgot or something. Apparently tomorrow we're going to the circus! I was supposed to have known about this, but I guess I didn't. I think it's the one at Tsurumi Ryokuchi Park, so at least I can get there easily. Still, I was really surprised that they even wanted to see me at ALL, much less still take me somewhere. She even said she's happy to be seeing me. I am really shocked ^_^;; Now I just need to figure out about how much my phone bill probably is and see if I even have that much XD

Other than that, today was pretty uneventful. Rather rainy, and my uniform got really wet again. Fortunately my new bag is a little more waterproof so my stuff is still dry. I just barely missed the first bus this morning, but I wasn't too late although waiting for the next one in the rain sucked. At school I was rather up and down energy wise, although still feeling better than I did before, even though I couldn't think straight through Hiromi's lesson and fell asleep later in the afternoon. After school we were supposed to have a lesson for our class chorus group comepetition thingy, but then there was some announcement, half of the peoples left, and we waited for awhile but after about a half an hour myself and a few others just left.

On my way to and from school, I've been having to switch at Tennoji station because my commutation ticket ran out and because summer's coming up and I'm taking a whole week off school, they're just having me use the regular cards, and it's more expensive to change at Umeda because of the way the station is laid out and all. I really don't like Tennoji, and everyone tells me it's a dangerous place, but there are some interesting things I've noticed there. For one, I see a lot of blind people there. Today I saw four, and two of them had guide dogs. Maybe there is some sort of school for the blind or some center or whatever, but yeah, I just happened to notice that. I <3 the guide dogs, they are so cute!

That's about all. Upon arriving home Minori came soon after me, and host mom got super angry at her for some reason, I have no idea what, but I have yet to hear her yell like that before @_@ Minori said absolutely nothing. Mika and I just went about doing other things, and I had her translate my old host mother's e-mails since she uses too many kanji. Eeeep. I'd better go now, though, as it sounds like things have cooled down downstairs. Yupperz <3

lol... I know most of you won't get this, but I'm posting it anyway. Apparently Colin Oraskovich (a guy from my school in the US who graduated this year) is going to go to my brother's college, and my brother is trying to get him to join the fraternity. I dunno why, but this struck me as funny. Colin just doesn't seem like a frat boy to me! XD I dunno, anyone else have thoughts on this? ;B

Today was good, but... I had swimming at school today, and it was great, but on my way home I left my bag on the bus >_< Gah. I am so stupid. Swimming was fun, though, and I actually did pretty good. The rest of the day went alright, too, except for some reason Hiromi was gone again today and I had to go to the International Class with that scary Mother Goose lady. Today was just a bunch of random rhymes and songs, and after every one she asked if I knew it or not o_o;; Anyone who does NOT know Mary had a little lamb (who is American/Australian/Canadian/British/a native English speaker) must be living in a freaking box.

I actually had some ENERGY today and wasn't tired!! :O That is the first time I've felt this way in SO long! Taking a day off and forcing myself to relax has really helped. For now things are better, but again, I won't count on them staying that way. Oh yeah, Mamiko called again last night and guess what? I get to go to Tokyo and stay with her for a few days!!! :D She thinks I need a break from school and host families and whatnot to destress, so in a couple weeks I'm heading up there. I'm excited because I want to see more of Tokyo. It seems like such a neato city. I will also have to do some counselling thing while I'm there, but I agree that I need it @_@ I am kinda screwed up XD Oh well. I could be going sooner, but I wanted to go while my school is having their end of the term testing so I don't miss anything, as during the test days I have nothing to do except study Japanese since my friends are all too busy studying and testing and I can't go to classes and I can't take the tests.

Hm, that's about all. My leg hurts. Dinner isn't till 9:30 tonight since everyone's coming home so late. Poop :( Oh well. I get snackies. <3

In other news, Great Grandma is getting better!!! Yay! :D She had a blood clot in her leg, but they fixed it. She's got to stay in bed for awhile, though. She got my letter, too. That's another stress off my shuolders ^_____^

I've spent today relaxing. Missed school again. I talked with Mamiko last night, and she is right - until I relax and am not so stressed out, there's no way I can accomplish ANYTHING here. She did suggest that I go home for the summer, but yeah, if I did that I would be going home permanently. After GLAY Expo, of course ;) But still. I won't do that. I can't give up just yet.

After today I'm not going to worry about anything except being relaxed. That is my #1 goal. Maybe I'll become a little happier, too, but for right now just being relaxed will help a great deal. I also am going to e-mail Sali tonight and tell her we NEED to meet soon, as I really need closure to this. I still am thinking about everything I want to tell her about how I feel about how her and her family have treated me, and how angry I am that they lied to me, but at the same time thank them for hosting me. I probably will meet with her once, pay her for my phone, tell her how I feel, and maybe never see her again if that's what she wants, which I think it is.

For now, I need to quit writing and go back to relaxing. Thank you all for all your comments and stuff. I think now I'm going to quit being so stubborn and start following your advice. Thank you all so much <333

I did it AGAIN... I am such a moron. I posted another entry meant to go in a COMMUNITY to my journal. Hence my last entry. I have done that more times than I can count now. I am such an idiot ;_;

Hi. I'm Janna, and I'm currently three months into my year exchange to Japan through YFU. I love Japan, but I have had many problems... It all started with being forced to move from my first host family, who I LOVED but because of the Japanese "commuication" (or lack thereof) style I was making a lot of mistakes and I was never corrected, neither by my host family or by my YFU area rep (who really should have and I am still not speaking to her). I was told four days in advance, but when I was told I was not told what day. Then on a Saturday night I was told I would be moving the next morning. They somehow dragged me out of the house, and put me in a new host family where I am an hour and forty five minutes one way from my school. I refuse to move schools as I am at probably one of the best high schools in Japan for exchange students (Asahi High School! :D) and I absolutely love it there. There are no other host families available, as they need to have families for the summer exchange students. I'm getting more used to this, however, because of all the stress it caused me I am very much behind with my Japanese. I've talked to exchange student friends who already know 350 kanji and can understand a LOT, and I know maybe like 90 kanji and can't even fully understand children's tv shows. Also, I've gotten into a cycle of being tired almost constantly. Not the normal exchange student tiredness - complete exhaustion that is keeping me from being able to study, make friends, and I'm hardly able to function in everyday life.

On top of this, I am experiencing horrible depression and self esteem problems. It's to the point where they are recommending that I go home over the summer or go home altogether, which is something I've never heard being done before. I refuse to go home, as I know if I go back even for a visit I won't want to come back. Anyone have any suggestions? I've yet to get any advice or suggestions that have truly helped. I've tried everything to relax myself or cheer myself up, but everything that I used to do doesn't help anymore. The only thing keeping me kind of happy is the fact that I'm going to see GLAY, my very favorite Japanese rock band, this summer at their big concert at Universal Studios Japan. But even with that little bit of something to make me feel slightly better, I still overall feel horribly depressed and like I'm a failure as an exchange student.

Any help will be greatly appreciated. Thank you all very much <3

Typhoon. No school. Lots of sleeping. I am so tired... I really think I need to see a doctor. I have been tired ALL THE TIME except for late at night. No matter how much I sleep, how little I sleep, or what I'm doing. I can't do this anymore... How the hell am I supposed to learn Japanese, make friends, get along with my host family, straighten out crap with my first host family, and deal with shit going on at home when I can't stay awake for anything?

And on top of all of this, my Japanese is sooooo bad ;_; I dread any more YFU gatherings... I really do. I will be so embarassed by my shitty ass Japanese "skills". Everyone tells me that I'll learn "eventually" but I'm already so far behind and falling even farther and I just don't know what to do... Not to mention I am making absolutely NO progress with making friends it feels like.

Yeah... I really need to see a doctor. Whether it's for my mind or my body, either will do. Maybe even both. Something needs to be done.

I'm going to watch Sailor Moon now.

Up again. Tonight I was not feeling well, both emotionally and physicallｙ, again. However, tonight we went out for dinner and it made me feel so much better. We went to a yakiniku place. Yakiniku is where you put some thinly sliced beef or some octopus or shrimp or something over a fire, cook it, then eat it. It was really weird going to a restaraunt and cooking our own food, but it's still fun and well, it is fresh. I am very happy because I tried really hard to use Japanese and I also was able to use a lil' English with Mika to talk about these noisy guys who were sititng behind us. This family, when they are all actually together, is really fun. Especially Mika ^_^ I talked a lot with Minori, too. Although Minori and I are really pretty different, I think we will get along well. She's really a nice person, although I think still a little shy with me. Geez, on top of the takoyaki then I had yakiniku and I also had some ice cream... So much food, yet I really need it. Energy :D But sadly enough, now I'm hungry again >_< Gah. I was REALLY surprised at the bill, though... I just barely saw it. Around $100 @_@ I guess it isn't *too* bad... For five people, that's like $20 a person. Still! I am too cheap XD

Okay, bed time! We left and got back really late so now I'm going to bed really late. Oh well. Have a nice day <3

This entry might not be that great. I forgot to write for yesterday, and today I am beyond tired for absolutely no reason so yeah...

Yesterday was good. It was Markus' last day of school but I didn't get to see him much. I'll see him tomorrow when we have a lil' farewell partay for him. I finished my letter thingy for the school newsletter. I hope it doesn't suck! I was really tired again, which didn't help. I feel bad because my classmates think that I don't want to be there, when I really do but I'm so tired I can't stay awake. Maybe Chi is right - I am becoming narcoleptic XD I try as hard as I can to stay awake and the next thing I know I'm sleeping with my face down on the desk drooling on my Kumon stuff. I'm going to ask my host sister about energy drinks, or maybe finding a coffee that I can choke down, or Japan's equivalent to Nestea. Whatever works.

So yeah, school was okay. After school I came home and no one was around. I decided to change shirts and ride bike down to the drug store as I needed a couple of things. Geez, over 900 yen for deoderant and some face cleaning stuff. I wanted/needed more but felt bad for spending so much. I talked with Mom about that, though, and she said not to worry about it. I hope she isn't just saying that and is actually going to give me money when I run out...

After coming home I did stuff with the host family, watched TV, ate dinner, etc. Eventually host mom had to leave and I watched Music Station. No one really good was on, though, so I was only slightly entertained. After that I showered and cleaned my room. Honestly, cleaning my room makes me feel so much better. I hate when things are messy, as it looks just sloppy and depressing. I'm making it habit to clean my room up every Friday. I hope I can continue this!

Today... nothing's happening today. I'm too tired to do anything @_@ When I woke up I felt okay, and I even cooked an egg for breakfast since I couldn't find the bread (which I discovered later on). I watched TV with Mika, who also looked exhausted. Eventually I went back to sleep. I woke up for lunch, and watched more TV with host mom, and went back to my room and just sat in front of the fan. It's sooo hot. 90 degrees and no AC. Although it isn't too humid so it doesn't feel that bad, especially in front of the fan. However, there is only one fan, and that's in mine and Minori's room.

You know what's really cool? Realizing that you can now read Japanese. Sure, not that much, but it's kinda a good feeling. I should be studying though. Too tired...

Up. Yup, today was alright. I went to school, worked on my letter thingy and talked a lot with Hiromi, and after school I talked a lot with Yui. I don't care if she maybe is just using me for English practice, she is so cute and I think that she really does want to be my friend, not just her English teacher ^_^ After school she had to stop by and talk with that one English teacher d00d that I don't like and I can definately tell he REALLY doesn't like me. I was standing right there and he didn't say a word to me o_o;; It's the same problem I had with Mrs. Hodgkins... Just because I could type faster than she could when I had her for 8th grade keyboarding, she hated me. She doesn't anymore, but then again she has me for homeroom instead of keyboarding this time =P Still, I think it's a thing with some teachers that when you're more knowledgeable or better at their subject than they are, they really don't like you.

Then tonight I was a bit more active with my host family... sort of. While host mom and Minori were watching some dorama that is really, REALLY weird (one minute it's comedy, and the next it's a serious drama o_O) I fell asleep on the kitchen table XD Then when I woke up I wanted to go to my room and sleep more but they wanted me to help with dinner. We made these thingies with like a pasta (kinda) stuff with this meat stuff in the middle (apparently Chinese), and it was kinda fun to make but I was really bad at it! It tasted good, too, with ketchup. Although ketchup isn't usually what they have with it... I didn't like it with the regular sauce stuff or plain ^^* Ketchup makes everything better. After helping to make the stuff I went to my room and slept - too long, I might add. I was only going to sleep till 7:00, but I did till 8:00, so I may not be falling asleep easily now tonight. Whoops.

After eating and showering I got a call from that YFU lady in Tokyo. I think things are okay now, and despite it seeming like they weren't listening, I think that Yoshimura-san and Mizuno-san did listen to Hiromi. We also talked briefly about another host family, and my two options - staying with one of my classmates or staying with Hiromi - are totally out. One of my classmates really wants to host me, but the parents aren't real thrilled with the idea. Hiromi really wants to host me, but she doesn't have the room. Although there would be some advantages to staying with her, the biggest being that I'd be 20 minutes by bike from school, I'd have a younger host sibling (Tsumihiro!! :D), I'd have a host mother who is fluent in English, AND I'd have... HAMSTERS! :D And a dog! :D But, I don't think I should go there, as things are alright there. It might be far from school, but I do have my own room and a computer with good net access. Plus, I can visit Hiromi and Tsumihiro and their hamsters and dog whenever I want :) I really wanna see the hams *_*

Speaking of hams... Today on my way home from school I stopped at the pet store again. They have a syrian hamster there now, and I reeeally want him ;_; I decided to do what people have recommended that I do and use my Japanese skillz and dictionary to ask how old that ham was, purely out of curiosity. He's four months old. I thought he looked kinda big. Still, I don't like that store because their animals look so unhappy and they are kept in horrible conditions. It is WAY too hot for there to not be air conditioning in there, and some of those hamsters are kept in tiny little cages they can barely move in and have hardly any ventilation. Poor things :( And that bald guinea pig is still there... The poor guy looks so sad!! The only good things I saw were with their fishes and turtles and things. Those animals were kept in good conditions, however, that really isn't difficult. They have the cutest little turtles! :D Still, if that store was in the US I would be complaining to someone about it. However, I am afraid to in Japan as I dunno if that is normal or anything.

That's about all for today! Need to go sleep and watch Live Action Sailor Moon. Or the other way around. Yupperz. Have a nice day <333

Wow. Now even YFU is considering sending me home.

Yup. Basically, I'm on the very edge of being sent home at this point because I'm always so depressed and stuff. If this host family says they can't host me anymore, I'm being shipped out because I'll have no place else to go. According to YFU, this family feels like I should move. However, just a couple days ago my host sister said, "We will host you the entire year." and stuff like that. Who do I believe? I'm not supposed to know what YFU said, btw - Hiromi met with Yoshimura-san and Mizuno-san on Monday. What made me happy was that Hiromi totally agreed about them, and said she never wants to talk to them again because they refused to listen to or understand anything she said XD She told them that I have been trying very hard and making a lot of progress, which I was last week. So yeah, if I am home before the 4th of July, whether it is by YFU's will or my own, it honestly would not surprise me at this point. I really am not cut out to be an exchange student.

Has anyone else had their dreams come true, only to find out that that dream wasn't what they thought it was? That's what is happening to me. I dreamed of coming here, and I thought it would be great. It hasn't, however. It isn't that I don't like Japan. I think Japan just doesn't like me. Although I totally agree, as I highly dislike myself also, probably even more so, but yeah.

So, how was the rest of my day? Eh. Shodo was alright, only because the class was really nice and tried to cheer me up. I'm beginning to like the teacher now, a little. After that I went home, but while switching trains I fell on some stairs and hurt my knee. It hurts but it's fine. Now I am here. It's really hot, and Minori is using the fan. She looks like she's really sick, though, so I don't mind. I think she stayed home today. I had a half day again. Apparently this week is conferences for the students.

That's all. Just what you wanted, another depressing entry cluttering up your friends page, huh?

Up and down. Down again.

Today I stayed home from school. Last night I didn't get to sleep until pretty late, and normally I could have handled it but on top of being completely worn out this morning, I felt like crap emotionally and I also kinda felt sick. Plus, today was only a half day so I figured I wouldn't miss much. I kinda wish I had gone, but I know it wouldn't have been much fun... I would have gone to class, slept through class, gone and whined to Hiromi for an hour and cried a bunch, and then gone home where I would have cried or slept. Instead I just stayed home, slept, talked to Hiromi on the phone and cried, slept some more, watched Live Action Sailor Moon, and ate my 100 yen animal crackers. Yummy stuff.

Tonight I hardly ate any dinner. Just not hungry, and what was made for dinner sucked. Plus, Minori also wasn't feeling well and didn't finish either, although she ate more than I did. Watched some Pokemon, w00t. Then I showered and after my shower I remember...

...I forgot my obento box. From Monday. On Monday I didn't finish it, either because I didn't have time and the egg corn thingy in there was NASTY. However, when I opened it today, it was even worse. I have never smelled something so nasty! I quickly emptied it and washed it out with tons of soap. Ick. That was really gross.

Probably going to sleep soon. If I can sleep. I feel worn out, yet I'm not sleepy. It sucks.

At school now. I'm really kinda tired and don't feel like doing Kumon so I won't until next hour. I am trying really really hard to stay positive about everything, but when I think about Sali or my old host family at all I just feel... I dunno, maybe betrayed? I feel like they lied to me, for sure. I know I can't go back there, and I know I am better off where I'm at now, but I don't want to never see them again, especially Sali. I think back to what they told me the last few days before I left, especially Otou-san and Sali, but now the more I think about it the more it seems like it was all just a way to get me to calm down and get out of there as fast as possible. It pisses me off... I don't care if it's some stupid cultural thing, to me a lie is a lie, and I hate it when I am lied to. I also hate not knowing whether it was all a lie or not. Sali e-mails sometimes and says she wants us to meet up sometime but she never says when, and when I asked if we could see each other on some day, she never replied. I'm going to ask her if sometime we can talk on the phone because her e-mails are just confusing me, especially since she doesn't use English and before she used to use simpler Japanese or put in parenthesis what I should look up in the dictionary, but she doesn't do that anymore so if I don't know a word and it's not in the dictionary, I have no clue.

Should I believe that they are still worried that I am not yet adjusted to this host family? Should I believe that Sali really wants to see me? I really don't know... I need an answer, though. I need an answer from THEM, or at least maybe someone who has talked with them. I will ask Mamiko about it when I can call her again, maybe she has some idea.

In other news, today is going well mostly. Although Hiromi wasn't here today because she came this morning, thought I wasn't at school, and then left. I was there, but just at class, and was planning on coming during lunch, which is our normal Monday time, but I think she forgot ^^* My schedule is kinda confusing, especially since last week's Monday was weird, too. I dunno. That's about all for now... I have to go back to class soon and after school I have cleaning duties. p00p :( Have a nice day <3

Things are actually looking up! This afternoon was quite interesting. I had a lil' shopping spree at the 100 yen shop XD I swear if I do end up going to college here I will be buying almost EVERYTHING there... It's like the college student's dream =P Dollar stores are super super cheap and considering stuff isn't really that expensive at Wal Mart and better quality, you go to Wal Mart or Target. However, it's a lot different in Japan, and for those of us who don't have money you really need to go the 100 yen shop ;) I think the stuff is better quality, too. I bought this cute lil' hamster stationary and envelope set. There are two dwarf hammies on the picture and the envelope is SUPER tiny, although still bigger than a dwarf ham =P I also got a bunch of other random things... Some blocky paper to practice kanji, some animal crackers (snackies ;)), a blank CD-RW disk (to transfer stuff from this computer to my lappy), pencils, colored pencils, and some other stuff that I don't remember what it was. All for like 700 yen! I also picked up some conditioner at the drug store on my way home, which was much needed.

Riding bike here is SO scary!! I nearly hit two old ladies and a lil' girl, plus nearly getting hit by numerous cars myself and almost killing myself trying to navigate the narrow or super bumpy sidewalks. It's so dangerous, and no one wears bike helmets o_o;;

When I got home I did some Kumon and organized my Kumon stuff. I'm kinda nervous about sending it to my AR, as I'm on bad terms with her... I think she's been telling Mamiko shit about me because she hates me >_< Just a guess, because Mamiko told me stuff that didn't seem to be quite right when I talked to my host family. After doing teh Kumon I got really sleepy. I wasn't feeling so well because my host sister interpreted Sali's e-mail more for me and it seems to me like she wants me off her cell phone plan, which worries me. I kinda feel like they don't want to see me anymore. When Sali does e-mail me, it's usually like a week later. Okaa-san hasn't e-mailed me in two weeks and last I talked to her she was making excuses to not see me. I understand that she didn't want to see me until I had calmed down and settled in here, but I still get the feeling like they are glad for me to be gone. Maybe I'm still having trust issues... I dunno. They said before I left that they like me and they still wanted to see me and do things with me. Sali still says she wants to see me sometime, but she never says when. Should I believe that they are just busy and they still want to see me sometimes? Or should I think that they are just making excuse because it's a Japanese thing to avoid directly saying no? I really don't know what to think. I know I can't go back there, and I am finally feeling comfortable here, but I really want them to like me and want to do things with me still. I guess I should be thankful... Markus's second host family told him flat out he was never to come back there again the day he moved out =/ And he was moving because it's Rotary's program. Creepy people.

So yeah, I took a nap after the Kumon and when I woke up I was really tired still so I made some hot choco and did the dishes to get myself moving and to wake up, although it didn't help much. Later host mom and host dad and I went shopping. I had to get a new school bag, and I also got this really cute Snoopy bag just as an extra and some of those cute long bunch socks! I need some nice socks for school, and the knee/mid-thigh high ones don't fit me, plus these are so cute! We did some shopping and some random old guy wanted to talk to me in English. Then when I say just "yoroshiku onegaishimasu" he (and another lady who is a friend of host mom's whom we ran into a lil' later) was surprised that I could speak Japanese, and that certainly is not a difficult phrase at all o_O;;

When we got home we had pizza! :D Yay for pizza :D I <3 pizza :D Now I am going to bed because it is too late. I should have been studying, not typing so much here and talking with me mum. Oh well. I'll live. Have a nice day :D

In Japan, maybe just Osaka/Kansai area, but whatever. They called the green stoplight blue. I remember someone explaining this to me once, but I really don't remember WHY the green stoplight is called blue. Anyone here know? If not I'll ask Markus or Hiromi, whoever I see first (probably Hiromi as Markus is usually late to school these days), on Monday.

Today was lots of fun, though! I went to Kyoto with host mom (Minori had school club stuff so she couldn't come) to Kyoto University of Foreign Studies, the college Mika and Sali go to. I e-mailed Sali last night to see if she'd be there, but she e-maield me this morning saying that she wouldn't because she's sick and has to see the doctor :( I hope she's okay. I wanted to reply right away and stuff but there was a bit I didn't understand so I'm going to wait for Mika to come home (probably tomorrow, it seems) to explain to me.

It wasn't all that big, as I thought. A pretty small school, but still really nice. The festival itself was small, too, although there was LOTS of food. It seemed more like a food festival than anything. They also had some entertainment stuff, music, and stuff for sale. There was some rock band playing in the auditorium but they weren't that great. The vocalist was female but she sounded like a guy. They were too loud, too.

I ate too much but it felt good. A lot of the food was from other countries, and I had this German brat thing. It was okay, but not that great. It needed more ketchup, too. I dunno why but they wouldn't just let you put on as much ketchup or whatever as you want, and as default they used mustard only. I had to request ketchup since I don't like mustard. I also had a crepe with chocolate and cherries, and some really yummy ice cream thingy. On top of that, some ice cocoa (pretty much chocolate milk). I wanted water but the machines only had flavored drinks. They had some C.C. Lemon ripoff but you have to have THE C.C. Lemon.

After we left we took the plain express train home because although it was longer, we got to sit. I recalled the last time went to Kyoto and on the way home we had to stand and then when someone finally left their seat and Okaa-san was about to sit down, some rude bastard like shoved her out of the way >_< I believe I wrote about that already, though, but even now it STILL pisses me off. Anyway, it was nice to sit. When we were changing trains at Umeda, I FINALLY found the Kinokuniya!! :D I dunno if what I found was the big one that I've been told about, but it sure was big. Next to the Hankyu line, for anyone who knows what I'm talking about. I remember stopping there once with Okaa-san and buying a magazine with this neato interview with GLAY that I can't read. While there I was trying to find the magazines, but I couldn't. There's so many people and it's so big!! I did find, however, the English section, and the part where there are things to help teach Japanese. Most of it was the same old, same old but I did find a really useful book - "How to Speak Osaka Dialect". I bought it, and I'm　going to ask Mika to highlight stuff that I should know. I showed it to Minori when I got home and she was quite amused. On the way home host mom and I talked a lot about Osaka-ben.

Tonight's dinner was really good! A lot like the BBQ we had on our class trip the beach, except not over a fire so it cooked faster. They had the same sauce, too! That stuff is SO good! A little spicy, but good. I ate a lot. Now I'm going to attempt to study and sleep, but before I do...

ATTENTION SAILOR MOON FANS!!

For those of you who are fans of PGSM, can someone help me? I want to download the episodes again now that I have broadband here but my downloads go super slow because of the time I am online. I can't be on at other times, and I don't want to leave the computer on too much because eletricity is expensive. I want a fast place to download them, and I don't mind if they are not subbed (actually I'd prefer that for studying purposes but whatever is easiest to get is fine), but I'm not having much luck. Anyone have suggestions? Also, if anyone would be willing to make a trade... like episodes 23 through 33 on CDs for some small PGSM stuff from *gasp* JAPAN? I can get you stickers, notepads, some cards, pencils, other cute stuff... There's a lot of it here. Or if there's something else you want, just let me know and we'll work something out. <333

Sorry, I forgot to write about yesterday so I'll do it now :D

For one, it was a good day. Shocking, huh? I went to school, exhausted as usual, but things got better when I got there. Hiromi and I had our lesson and talked about stuff, and then I went back to class. I was actually awake through class, although mostly I was e-mailing Josh on my phone because although I was awake enough to not sleep, I wasn't awake enough to do Kumon ^^*

I ate lunch and talked a lot with my classmates, using Japanese whenenver I could, but then they would say "English okay" if I got stuck ^^* We had another class and then homeroom, and during homeroom they discussed stuffs for the school singing competition. Each class becomes a choir and you have to put together a song and sing it. Markus told me a lil' about this because when he came to the school it was after summer vacation, right when they were about to preform the song, so he was just handed some lyrics and told to sing it XD He had no clue what was going on. Anyway, my class is doing, and please excuse me if I get this wrong as I hate katakana, "Furandansu no Inu". It's the theme from some popular kids anime from the 70's or something o_O I've heard it so much because it's on TV all the time that fortunately I know the tune. I really hope they let me help, as I still have Mrs. Yess' lessons on how to sing properly drilled into my head.

After school I headed home, but on my way switching trains at Umeda I stopped at a lil' shop and found these super neato lil' word flash card thingies! They're blank so I can fill in whatever I want and they're attached to this metal ring that keeps them together. It is SO neato! XD Apparently they're really popular for junior high and high school students. I remember once seeing a foreign guy studying kanji with them =P I'm going to use them to study both vocabularies and kanji.

When I came home, I actually TALKED with my host family! In mostly Japanese!! I am proud of myself at the moment @_@ Also, I think that even though the commute sucks ass and there are a few things I don't like, I think I'm going to stay here. I mean, sure, I can't do afterschool clubs but that doesn't mean I can't have friends. Plus, clubs just aren't all that big at my school I think. I was told by some former exchange students that if you aren't in clubs in Japan that you won't make friends o_O;; I'm sure it helps, but yeah. And who knows, if I get more used to this commute maybe I still can do club stuff. In the meantime, though, I think I'll concentrate on making friends with my homeroom classmates.

Soon host mom had to leave and I talked with Mika (older host sister) for awhile in Japanese and English, using English when I was too tired to try to figure out a complicated thought, but she then went to take a nap. I went to the computer, and after being on too long I decided to go and take a shower and then clean my room. While cleaning I found the oatmeal my mom sent and I decided to eat it. I think I grossed out Minori (younger host sister) XD Japanese people think oatmeal is the most disgusting thing on the planet. I still can get it here at some really good grocery stores, but it's super expensive and they don't have the Raisin, Date, and Walnut flavor.

That's about it! And now today I'm headed to Kyoto to go to Mika's school festival thingy. Should be fun. Need to eat and get dressed now though! Have a nice day.

Sorry I couldn't write yesterday. Yesterday was a good day... I can't remember all of what happened anymore, though. Still, it was alright. I felt a lil' better. When I came home I talked with my host sister, and she helped me with a few things but I still feel rather... I dunno. Like I don't know what to do. She says I need to use more Japanese but I just don't know HOW. Then today when I was hoping Hiromi would actually teach me something, she gives me a super easy lesson which pissed me off because I feel like she thinks I don't know these things already. I learned them all in the first month here, and I really don't have time to keep going over the same shit. My host sister also said I need to learn Osaka-ben ^^* Heh.

So yeah. Today sucked. After my lesson with Hiromi I was really depressed and, as always, tired. I slept through the next two classes. Then I had lunch. It was awful. I had to have leftovers from last night's nasty dinner... I didn't know what half the stuff was but it looked as bad as it tasted. I choked it down, and then got some ice cream as I needed sugar. It helped, even if only slight, with my tiredness. Then was the international class thingy, and this time we had that creepy English teacher who is obsessed with Mother Goose teach about English nursery rhymes. It was awful. Two hours of Mother Goose crap, and then she showed clips from movies where they make Mother Goose references. What is so great about Mother Goose anyway? They're just a bunch of stupid lil' rhymes someone wrote long ago that just happen to be referred to a lot in English speaking cultures. Bleh.

Now I feel like I should go downstairs because my host sister said I should not use the computer or be in my room so much, but I am too tired. I'll go down for dinner and then just stay down there and try to act like I'm happy and shit. Heh, not like I actually AM. I am so frustrated... I want to learn this stupid language, but I can't. When I actually have someone to teach me, she starts at the beginning. I have known how to say "Kore wa hon desu." since the first week. I really don't need that now, and it's doing nothing but taking another big chunk out of my miniscule amount self esteem. She's making me work on some kanji stuff, too, but it's just "ichi", "ni", "san" stuff. I have known those since April. I tried to tell her that I already know all this stuff but she's making me do it anyway ~_~;;

Too tired. No matter how much I sleep or how much I don't sleep, I am always tired. I really hate this...

Today at school I got a call from Mamiko. I appreciate her call, but again she had nothing but bad news. First of all, both my old host family, my new host family, my AR, and I think maybe some peoples at school think that I am not being appreciative. I say thank you ALL the time, but apparently they don't think it's sincere. I have no idea how to make it sincere, or to show them that I am appreciative. Mamiko didn't really know why they thought this. Also, my new host family wants me to be more helpful and ask if I want to use stuff. They never have told me how to do anything or that I should ask if I want to take a shower, eat, etc. I had no clue. Apparently if I don't try harder with this host family, they can't recommend me to another one. What host family would want me? It makes me wonder just what this host family was told about me before I came. Also, most likely if they do find ANY other host family, I will be on a futon on the living room floor. No personal space, no where where I can just be alone. I really don't know if I can do that.

I dunno if I can handle this much longer... Things always get worse. Never better. Maybe temporarily, like a cover up, but the actual problem never gets better. No one knows how to make me feel any better anymore, especially me. I couldn't talk with Mamiko long as she was on her way to San Francisco to do the orientation for the 6 week students. WHY didn't I go on the six week exchange? I could have seen Japan and probably would have had a great time. My old host family would have gotten a good exchange student and would have had a great time with them. My school would have gotten a better exchange student, although I don't worry so much about that. Markus has had plenty of problems throughout his exchange and Rachelle, the YFU girl before me at this school, also had a LOT of problems, especially towards the end. So I'm not the only one. It makes me wonder if they request students who think will have a really hard time in Japan because they are very helpful, and it's a great school, but it seems like all of their exchange students have had really difficult exchanges and were glad to go home.

I have not spoken one complete Japanese sentence today, either. I can't. I'm so exhausted... I've only said a couple words. It feels like that's all I do most days. I talked to Markus a few minutes this morning before talking with Mamiko. He had to to go do his Rotary speech thingy. I hope that goes okay for him.

This is really difficult... Mostly I blame my American upbrining. I was never taught how to properly act in a foreign country. I also was never taught how to properly show appreciation. In the US you just say thank you, really polite stuff, and maybe give someone a present or card if you're really appreciative (or just sucking up). Here, though, I have NO clue as to what they expect of me because I do the American stuff that shows appreciation but that isn't good enough. My current host family wants me to be more helpful, but they don't tell me that, they don't indicate it at all to me and I don't find out till someone from YFU tells me, and they don't tell what I need to be doing exactly really. I'm not the kind of person who just asks stuff because I never know when and how to ask. It's another weird thing about me. Another reason I don't belong here I guess =/ Also, I never really had to do housework. I know a few things now, but I don't know how to do it at their house. I don't know where they keep stuff, or I don't know how they want things done, as everyone does housework different. They don't seem *too* concerned about... um, cleanliness, though. Especially in the bathroom. Some of the stuff in there has honestly almost made me throw up @_@ I will not go into details on that, though.

I really can't trust anyone, either. I feel like everyone, with the exception of Markus, who if he doesn't like someone or something it's obvious, and Hiromi, and maybe Kaori, is just treating with a false kindness. They are just being kind to me out of politeness and maybe because they feel sorry for me. Especially my old host family, especially my new host family. I also kinda get that feeling from my classmates and teachers. Pretty much anyone who has spent most of their life in Japan. With my old host family they always acted like they really liked me and maybe like they were even proud of me... Yet now it seems like they really didn't feel that way at all. The new host family, well, I'm not sure what they think but I don't think they are too thrilled with me. Although the fact that I am almost always depressed when I am at their house doesn't help much. I have major trust issues with Japanese people after this experience.

I know everyone tells me that all exchange students go through hard times... However, I really don't think most exchange students feel this way. The ones who do are the ones who end up going home early, it seems =/ Why... Why did this have to happen to me?

Today... Well, it sucked, so if you don't want to read another one of my depressing entries, don't read any further. I'm not LJ cutting out of pure laziness.

This morning started off pretty badly. Host mom made me this toast stuff, but it was super super overdone and horribly crunchy, and there was hardly any jam left and I needed to share it with Minori. It took forever to choke down, so because of that and being exhausted I was late and missed my usual bus. I had to wait 20 minutes for the next one. After arriving at school I found Markus, and talked with him a bit. He has helped me SO much, and imagining school without him really sucks. Next week is his last week of school, and then on the 26th he leaves... Sigh. I'm really going to miss that guy.

On the way I ranted to him about how crappy I felt, and then since I was late I decided to hang out with him in the library instead of going to class late and interrupting stuff. Plus, I didn't want to go to English with the crappy English teacher. While I was reading my friends list I started to cry again, and Markus helped me to calm down a little. Eventually Yanagida-sensei came (before this the library was empty with the exception of Markus and I) and he explained to me that today was going to be Friday's schedule for some odd reason. I then realized that the 2nd period is my only library time on Fridays and so I immediately called up Hiromi, who came soon after. Kaori game just before Hiromi, and I talked with her a bit, too.

Talking with all of them helped a little, but it still didn't seem to accomplish much and I still felt pretty bad. Not to mention exhausted. I did have to go back to class eventually, though, even if it was just for one class. When I went back I immediately fell asleep. I feel bad about falling asleep in classes, but Hiromi and Markus always tell me it's okay so I do anyway. But today the teacher kinda got mad at me for doing so... which made me feel even worse. I ended up falling asleep again anyway out of pure exhaustion. When I woke up I had a paper stuck to my forehead. It was embarassing.

After school I went on the train with some of my classmates, which was okay but I kinda wanted to be alone. After changing at Umeda I was able to finally be alone. It didn't help much at all, though. Once I reached Nakamozu I was going to stop at the grocery store next to the bus stop and grab some bread or something, but I didn't have time. When I was done with the bus ride I decided to stop by McDonald's, since I really wanted something tasty to eat and there isn't anywhere else to go in that area really. I got a hamburger, the cheapest thing on the menu, at 84 yen. I was surprised at how cheap it was, actually. I didn't buy a drink because I wanted to stay under 100 yen, but while I was eating this nice employee brought me a glass of water. Can you imagine any McDonald's employee doing that in the US? Then on my way out she even took my tray for me. It momentarily cheered me up for some reason. I dunno, just the random kindness kinda made me feel good.

When I got home, though, the momentary cheer was gone. Now I'm feeling even more down. Specifically, I'm angry with myself still. Angry with myself for screwing up my exchange. I know I shouldn't dwell on this, but I still feel like had I not made so many mistakes in that first 1.5 months I would be having such a wonderful time now. I really wish Okaa-san knew what I have gone through in the past four weeks. I really do. Part of me blames her for giving up, but mostly I blame myself...

Coming to Japan was my dream. Maybe a silly dream... Just because I liked anime and sexay jrockers with funky colored hair and eyeliner, I thought I would fit right in. Of course I thought more realisticly than that before I came here. That was the way I thought in junior high ^^* Still, this was my dream. So why does it suck so bad? Things weren't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to absolutely love my time here, do really good with my Japanese, and have a good relationship wtih my host family. What happened to that? I had that for a little while. I felt like I was the luckiest exchange student ever. I really did. So having that all ripped away from me has left me rather bitter. I feel like I was punished just because I couldn't adjust to Japanese life and Japanese lifestyles more quickly.

Oh well. Not like I can do anything now. Even though I know that nothing can be done, and that I've already screwed things up so I should make the best of it... somehow I can't. Last week I tried so hard to look on the bright side, and for awhile I was able to. Then on Saturday, it was so lonely, and on Sunday I realized that it had been four weeks since I saw Sali last. Now I've just snapped. Again.

I'm going to bed. I was going to try to stay up later to see if maybe it helps me to not be so tired, as I may be sleeping *too* much, but I am too tired. Good night.

Also, I want to appologize for all those who have tried to help me through this. I really appreciate all you've done for me, and I really wish that I could be feeling better, so you might not think all of your efforts had gone to waste. Sigh. I am hopeless.

Today was quite nice. I headed to the station near my school early in the morning and after switching at Umeda I happened to see Markus in the next train car, which was quite convinient. I met his girlfriend, Dani. She's really cool! She's from Germany, and I can definately see that they are a good match for each other. When we arrived at the station we went into the McDonald's to wait for Kaori to come. She was a little late, but that was okay. We went to her small apartment which was nearby, and went inside. Her apartment is real small, but that's normal considering she's just finished college. I'd say it's about the size of a college dorm with a little kitchen and bathroom. Still, I suspect if I do end up living here someday I'll have a similar apartment too XD

I talked a lot with Dani, as I'd just met her and was really curious and stuff. We eventually got to eating, and it was delicious! We had okonomiyaki, which is a Japanese food that I'm too tired to describe now. Kaori made two versions - the regular Japanese version, and the version she made for her host family in Australia. The "Australian version" was better, but only because it had cheese XD And I <3 cheese. Still, it's all really tasty. After that we played Uno, which was tons of fun. I couldn't believe that I'd forgotten how to play it! I used to play it all the time with my grandpa and mom. It is a lot of fun when you play in a group, too.

After awhile Markus and Dani had to leave, and then Kaori and I went to this Takarazuka Museum thing since my host mom gave me tickets last night and from what she told me I thought they had to be used today but then I looked again and they didn't, but oh well. It was interesting but the actual theatre and musicals are much better.

Then I had to head home, and I said goodbye to Kaori. When I arrived I showered and stuff, and I began to feel bad. I realized something... Well, not only has it been four weeks since my host family change, but I feel like I've become a different person since then, and I really don't like what I see. With my old host family I'd become someone I really liked - I was helpful, talkative, becoming more independent, I wasn't using the computer all the time, I was studying Japanese really hard. In the last two weeks there I was happy, positive, optimistic, and really felt good about myself and my exchange. It wasn't until I had to go to Yoshimura-san's house that I felt any different. While I was there I kinda had this feeling like I knew this host family change would happen... I wasn't real sure, though. And then when she told me... At first I lost it, but then the next day I thought that if I tried really really hard, maybe this wouldn't go through. I tried so hard, and had improved even more on what I'd already accomplished. I remember that Friday when I went on the class trip to the beach, and then when I came home and talked with Okaa-san and Otou-san so much, and then on Saturday when I went for that walk with Okaa-san I really felt like I'd become someone that both they would like and I liked, too.

Now, all of that is gone. I know that I can't go back, but I also realize that I've really changed, too. I'm whiny, I do nothing to help because I never see anything that I CAN do (host mom does all the house work things when I'm asleep or when I'm not home), I am horribly up and down with my feelings, and I don't study nearly enough. Today again I just got into a habit of speaking English and even when I could have spoken Japanese with Kaori I didn't. I think I have become pretty independent, as far as being able to go places by myself, though. Although some of the other lines confuse me, I can figure out the subways very easily. I don't think I could use a bus other than the ones I use now, but I still kinda know how those work, too. This has come with a cost, though. The most places I go, the more money I spend @_@ Whoops.

So yeah. I know I can't go back with my old host family, but I also know that because of what happened, the good person I had become is gone. I can't become that person here... I try, but it doesn't work. This family's lifestyle really doesn't fit with that. I try to get things for myself, like a glass of water or some food, but if I'm not careful my host mom does it for me. I would help with the dishes but I have yet to see her do them. I would help with putting my laundry away but she seems pretty insistant on doing a lot of these things for me so I feel like if I go and do this for her, she might be unhappy or insulted. And just a lot of other things...

Blah. Why do I have to be like this? I am so difficult... I wish I could just be happy on the weekends and when I'm not at school.

When I get bored, I want to buy stuff. I want everything. Right now, I want a hamster (again), some expensive clothes that I probably couldn't fit into, a minidisc player (well, I'm getting that), and a Japanese Playstation. Anything else to add to the list?

Today I went to Shinsaibashi just to do something. It was okay but very lonely... Not much fun when you're alone. Not much fun when you're not really sure where the really good stuff is. It was still nice to walk around, though. I picked up a couple magazines that I spent too much money on - Gothic and Lolita Bible 13 and an issue of Kera. I dunno why... Total splurge. It's not like I could ever wear those kinds of clothes anyway... it just doesn't work when you're larger than a size 4 o_o;; I'll probably sell them both on ebay in maybe a month, as I can probably get a lot of money for them. A lot more than what I paid for them, anyway.

When I got back I stopped at a pet store on my way home. They had lots of really different things, like squirrels, a monkey, and prairie dogs. The squirrels and monkey made me really sad. Those creatures are just too intelligent to be kept in captivity. The squirrel was going nuts doing backflips in it's cage, and the monkey just looked bored. All of the animals looked so miserable in the heat, too. They had a TON of dwarf hamsters. I then got into "I want a hamster" and "I miss Trinity" mode. It makes me so sad that by the time I get back she'll one and a half years old ;_; I miss her sooo much.

Now I'm just kinda depressed and I have a headache. I'd study but I don't feel well. It's so hot and the headache and I'm just overall feeling lonely. I wish someone here had time for me... At least tomorrow I get to have yummy food and see Markus and Kaori. I'll also get to meet Markus' girlfriend. That should be interesting.

Bleh. I hate being so alone here.

After I quit being antisocial and hiding from the sun, I went back outside where I hung out with my classmates, joined in the big tug of war and some dancing, including a sort of bunny hop thing. It was so much fun! However, the closing ceremony was kinda bad. All the other teams won something (I'm unsure as to what) except my team. They took it really hard, and a lot of my classmates started to cry :( One girl got really sick, I dunno if that was from the losing or from the heat... I hope she's okay because she looked awful. After that I went home because I was tired and it was really late. I got here at almost 7:00 and no one was home so I just ate some curry and crashed here. Now I am exhausted... and feeling dirty but I don't feel like showering yet. I washed up a bit before eating and that's fine for the moment. I'll maybe have pictures up tomorrow or tonight, depending on what I feel like doing.

School festival is going good, but both Markus and I are getting sunburned so we had to come in for a bit. I also am having 3bil cramps that suck bad. Tonight I'll put up the pictures I took, as they are uber coolies. The cheer dance was so neat! Especially my class and the rest our orange team. Hiromi gave Markus and I some sweet potato candies from where she went this week. Shikoku I think? Yeah. Now I should go find my class but I am tired, burnish, and crampy. Grr, I want to enjoy today but my body keep trying to not let me! >_< Also, Japanese toilets suck big time. I won't even go into my advetures with that this morning, as it was really gross. @_@;;;;

Also, my new sandals (the ones I bought in March before I came) are making big red marks on my feet that hurt soo bad. This morning I had to put socks on over them at Tennoji because I could NOT walk in those things. I need to dig out my other sandals. The black squishy ones. Chrissy and Sky, you saw those, right? They are THE BEST! So comfy. Right now I'm wearing my school slippers barefoot. Feels soo good. I'm not the only one missing out on the fun thanks to the sun here, at least. I can hear my teacher is also in here. When she is outside she has this huge hat, sunglasses, and long sleeves on. Japanese women and their fear of the sun... Well, at least they don't worship it. I dunno what is going on right now except more lil' games and things. The best stuff is over now, though :( The best stuff = the jump rope contest and the cheer dancing. I really wish I could have done the cheer dancing, but they have been practicing like mad for two or three weeks, and I couldn't have because of my distance from school and my extreme need for sleep being that I'm an exchange student. From what I've heard, most exchange students sleep a TON at first but I feel like I should be over that by now but I'm not. Oh well. I actually am sleeping as much if not less than I did in the US... Although last night I got to bed a lil' earlier which was nice. Tonight I won't, though, because it's Friday.

Speaking of sleep, my neck hurts SO bad. That bed and pillow are awful. When I woke up this morning I could barely move them. Right now I can't turn my head much because it's so stiff. Bleh.

I guess I'll go outside now and plaster on more sunscreen even though it isn't entirely helping. I have a watch tan, too. lol.

I reeeeally want a minidisc player. I found one on ebay and with shipping it's $80 (much cheaper than what I could get one for here). However, I only have $730 in my bank account and about 5,000 yen in cash (plus $80 in cash that I'm saving for the class trip to Guam) and I know I'll be getting more money from my parents but I think it might be a stretch especially at the end of the year. Can anyone think of something from here that is cheap but I can sell for a lot on ebay? I was thinking maybe magazines or something but they aren't selling for as much now... I remember paying $15 for one magazine that had GLAY in it with some posters and stuff, but now that stuff just isn't selling it seems. Anyone have any suggestions? I reeeeally want one... I see so many people here have them and they are so cool and nifty and small. My CD player is just a pain. I know I've gone through so many different music playing devices in the past few years but yeah! Sigh... I wanted to sell my old digicam to make a lil' off of that since it's broken, but because of the way it's damaged (the LCD needs replacing) I can't have it repaired (well, I can - $50) and I won't make really anything the way it is now.

Blah.

Yesterday I did something really dumb. I forgot to take my school slipper/sandal thingies off at the end of the day, and by the time I got to Nakamozu station (i.e. I'm only a 20 minute bus ride from home) I finally noticed and of course didn't have an extra three hours to go back again. I felt so stupid...

Also, today I got lost at Umeda station. I've been switching trains there instead of at Tennoji just for a change of pace, and I went the wrong way and got totally lost for a bit. I couldn't find a way around so I had to just go back through the ticket gate thingy to the other side... Yeah. Real confusing.

I was going to write something else, but I honestly can't remember what. I should be studying but I'm too tired. My shoulder hurts sooo bad. It sucks a lot. Really I would not have any need to switch host families again if I wasn't feeling like this all the time @_@ On Monday and Tuesday I felt fine, though... then the rest of the week is crap because I can't wake up enough to accomplish something.

Today was rather uneventful. I talked with Markus in the library for 3 horus because I had nothing to do and he was procrastinating writing his speech for some Rotary thing. Then I went to lunch and after that slept during math class. I went to calligraphy class and was highly frustrated because they made me do the kanji for ai (love) which is SO hard and it's so random, it actually requires some artistic skill. They don't give me much instruction, either. They just give me a kanji, some stroke orders, and that's all. I would be able to do the stroke order if ai wasn't so random and weird. Why can't it be nice and blocky? Those ones are easy.

I came home, and spent most of the afternoon messing with BitTorrent trying to download some Japanese lesson stuff. It's actually working. I also downloaded the single by that group called "News". They're like a 10 person (or so, I dunno how many... too many) boy band that wears red suit thingies and the lead d00d has a black tie. They're horribly cheesy and use awful Engrish ("Fly too hi wiz News") but yet one of their songs is EVERYWHERE here and it got stuck in my head. Sue me.

Bed time! I give up on going to bed early. I did so last night and I was even more tired today. Figures, huh? Friday's the school sports festival. It should be either intersting or boring. If it's boring I can always go study and talk with Markus and Hiromi who will be working on his Rotary speech. Yay.

Today was good. Went to school, studied a bunch, talked with Markus a ton, and basically had a good day. If only every day could be like today, huh? I actually am somewhat getting used to this commute. Somewhat. The thing is, when I'm feeling good it's no problem, especially if it's a nice, cool day like today. The problem is when I get down or it gets hot. I still think changing host families again would be a wise idea. Yanagida-sensei is going to talk with YFU again to make sure that this wasn't another miscommunication, and to figure out what needs to be done once we find a good family.

Hm, I dunno what else to say about today. Nothing real exciting happened. Oh yeah! Last night I called home for the first time since I was in Tokyo. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I got to talk with both of my parents. I decided calling on my mom's birthday might cheer her up. I feel bad for her as she's heard all of my whining over the past month, and has gotten really worried... I didn't mean to worry her, but I wanted to talk to someone and she's usually the only one on since she's often on early in the morning which is when I'm on. Also last night I had to go at 8 PM to buy conditioner. I forgot to buy some and I know my host family never refills the bottle when it goes empty until like a week later o_o;; I am discovering that to get decent conditioner you HAVE to buy the really expensive crap though. The 200 yen bag I bought yesterday isn't *that bad* but it could be better. Still... the stuff that I used with my old host family is 1000 yen for a 1000 ml bottle. It isn't all that expensive (compared to others) but yeah... My host family is *supposed* to be buying stuff like this but since they take so long to do it I must do it on my own o_o I understand that I use a lot with all my hair, but... Yeah. It doesn't have to be expensive. I can use the 200 yen stuff and live.

That's it. Have a nice day.

School really cheers me up. I dunno how I'll survive summer vacation if things keep up this way XD Jay kay. Still, it is nice. They use the AC in the library a lot, too, and in the classroom it gets turned on on June 15th, so I think I can survive till then. I talked a lot with Markus, Kaori, and Hiromi. They are very helpful to me. I didn't do much actual studying with them. Most of the time when we're supposed to be studying we just talk a lot. Sometimes they'll use Japanese with Markus and I can usually understand most of it, or at least get the point, although I don't think they use really difficult Japanese with him. He has some funny ideas and doesn't like Hello Kitty, but I can't help but enjoy talking with him. He's easy to talk with and really understand what I'm going through. Instead of saying, "Oh, just keep trying! Maybe you can do this and this and this..." He says, "Oh, that really sucks! Well, just be stubborn with YFU till you get your way and try to get a new host family." That's the best advice anyone has given me thus far! Tomorrow I think Hiromi and I will further discuss the host family change thing since we didn't get much time today.

Since my host mother didn't make me a lunch (again), Kaori and I stopped at McDonald's so I could get some lunch since after my "Japanese lesson" (aka talking with Hiromi, Kaori, and Markus for a half an hour during lunch) the cafeteria was already done serving food. I skipped a class and had even more fattening, greasy American fast food that I have consumed waaaaay too much of lately. However, neither of us know of any other good places to eat in the area except that takoyaki place that doesn't open till after school (since most of their customers are students). She paid for me, too (even though I did object =P) saying that she understands that exchange students have no money XD Although my host mom did give me 500 yen... I'm going to use it for snacks and future lunches and stuff.

After school I talked a lot with my classmates, especially Yui. I felt really dumb because I knew she was going on a year exchange soon, but I kept thinking it was to the US and it's to Australia. Heh, whoops ^^* I was so sure she said California, though... but it was prolly someone else. There are so many people at my school going on exchanges! It's so neato.

That's about all for today. I'm going to finish up here, read more into this super detailed kanji book I picked up at the library, eat, shower, and sleep. Yup. Maybe watch some TV, too, since there was something I wanted to see tonight although I can't remember what at the moment.

These people are freaking insane. They won't let me use the AC at ALL until July. What the fuck is up with that? If it's hot, it's hot, no matter what month it is. You turn on the AC when it is hot. It is in the 80's-90's here with high humidity. I cannot tollerate hot weather. Markus told me that they let you use the AC whenever you want, and I figured that's how it would be especially if it got real hot, but obviously it isn't.

For those who don't know this, I am from Minnesota. A cold state. Although it does get pretty hot and humid in the summer, it isn't nearly as bad as here. Right now I am wearing a tank top and very light PJ pants that are rolled up to my knees. I am still sweating. In Minnesota this is what it's like in July. I don't know if I can handle this...

I still am thinking I should not have come to Japan. I thought I could handle this... I thought I could handle the culture, the host family stuff, and the weather. Obviously I was wrong =\

In this room it is currently 32 degrees. That's about 90 degrees F. Plus like 70% or 80% humidity. Japanese people are nuts... My host family still hasn't turned on any AC. I'm the only one who has touched them. I don't care what they think, it's so hot I feel sick and those stupid plastic fans do NOT help especially when you need your hands to type.

But yeah, I might still be going to GLAY Expo. chiharu pointed me in the right direction with Yahoo Japan auctions (<333333). I checked there this morning but I've never used it so I could only find CDs and DVDS and crap. I might still be able to get tickets, but they'll be a lil' more spendy if I want the really good ones. I'm willing to go as high as 20,000 yen. My mom gave me $200 to spend on these tickets so yeah. I might also only buy one ticket because if I can get in the A section I will, even if I have to go alone. There are some other A section tickets that are ending tonight, too. The very front rows are for GLAY fan club members, but eh. Oh well. Anything better than section Q (the very last row). I maybe will also get some that are in the middle since they preform a few songs on a smaller stage in the very middle at first. Maybe, we'll see. Whatever I can get. My host family better let me use Yahoo Japan, though! If they don't I'll be so pissed. I hate people who are all paranoid about ordering stuff online because it's safe. Really.

Everything else still sucks but having just a lil' something to look forward to makes life so much better! :D I'm going to take an ice cold shower. Gah, how will I survive this summer if I'm already miserable in May?!

This morning I felt crappy. I cried a bunch, and then I watched a movie and ate the Cheez-its my mom sent. They were yummy. I used the computer a bunch. I went grocery shopping with host mom which made me feel a little better. I watched Card Captor Sakura which made me actually pretty happy. I finally figured it out! The thing Kero stuffs in his mouth in the beginning is takoyaki. I never noticed that before, probably because I didn't know what takoyaki was until I came here, and it's really fast so it's hard to tell. But yeah.

Then I ate dinnerz. Japanese-style pizza. With eggplant and spinach and pepperoni. It was actually pretty good because there was a ton of cheese. Now I am here. I am tired and feel crappy. It is WAY too hot and they aren't even using the AC yet. I turned on the AC in my room today because it was too miserable. I will do so again tonight, and I don't care what Minori thinks, it is too hard to sleep when it's so humid outside.

Now I am here, and I am frustrated. Really, what is the point of whining about how much things suck when you aren't willing to do anything about it? *Someone* has been doing that lately and it pisses me off big time. I at least am trying to make my situation a little better by talking with Mamiko and Hiromi and my teachers and peoples to work something out. Sure, I whine a lot about it, but it's kinda understandable because this exchange thing isn't exactly a piece of cake. More like a piece of... er, a bowl of natto. Smelly and sticky. Well, maybe not, but still! I am trying now to make things better and maybe move to a new host family, but on top of being scary moving to a family I know nothing about, I STILL am just so upset at what my old family did to me. The giving up thing. That's what upsets me the most about the whole thing. That and Okaa-san not telling me stuff. Sali tried to but Okaa-san didn't tell Sali everything and Sali wasn't always around to know stuff. So yeah...

Shower time. Tomorrow I get GLAY Expo tickets. However, I do hope my host father understands that we have to leave very early o_o; I don't think he does. I will ask again. I can't just leave at 9:30 and expect to get decent tickets. I have to be there as early as possible and wait outside like the insane fan that I am. Yupperz.

Why can't people properly relay messages? Honestly, there has been so much confusion because people improperly interpret what is said and then they tell the incorrect thing to someone else who then messes it up even more when telling it to someone else, usually me. There have also been issues with translation. But, the good news is...

I can change host families!!

Although I am happy about this, I am also sad. For one, I feel bad to this host family because they have been so kind but their busy lifestyle and this long commute is really wearing on me. Sooo tired. I try to go to bed earlier but their lifestyle doesn't really allow it. If I want to talk with my older host sister about something I have to wait till 10:00 or later to do it because she gets home so late. Then once I finally go to bed my younger host sister decides to come in and turn on the light and read manga before she goes to bed so I don't fall asleep till she does because of the light. It's really tough to get to sleep before 10:30. In the US and with my old host family 10:30 was my bedtime and it was fine, but here I need more sleep because the commute is exhausting and I just can't get it.

One of my classmates, Kie-chan, said her mom said they could host me. I will talk with her on Monday, but I would LOVE to stay with her. She sits next to me in class and is becoming one of my best friends at school. I'd love for her to be my host sister, she's so much fun. Plus, she's a 15 minute bike ride from our school and her neighbors are Maki and Nagisa, also our classmates who are really fun. Nagisa is hilarious! So goofy. Kind of like... I dunno who she reminds me of, but yeah. I think I could really be happy there.

As for my old host family... I really think Okaa-san doesn't like me. Even though I really like her. The problem was never with myself and Sali or Otou-san. Otou-san is one of the most understanding, most gentle, and most kind people I have ever met. Especially among men. He is so sweet! I really wonder why Sali and Okaa-san haven't gotten along with him well. Maybe he's changed? I mean, Sali didn't talk with him for two years. I have no idea what he could have done. Okaa-san still just gets frustrated with him. I still dunno why. She should be thankful he isn't like the average Japanese guy. I would be miserable with an average Japanese husband. A lot of them are nice guys but... Well, Markus said he couldn't go on some trip somewhere with his host mom because if his host mom left for even a couple days her husband would be starving and have no clothes. He doesn't know where his own clothes are and can't cook anything, not even instant noodles. Sad, huh? But yeah, back to Otou-san, I really really miss him. A ton. This host father is a nice guy, too, but never home. I think one of the reasons I was put with my old host family was Otou-san, actually. We are very similar. He doesn't like to come home late, loves anime, loves seafood (doesn't eat other meats), and loves computers and digital cameras. Sali is really musical and kind of reminds me of Sky in a way, so I can see how they also thought she would be a good match for me. When Okaa-san said that it was a "mismatch", I think it was a mismatch with her, as I fit in with Otou-san and Sali. The big problem is that I spent most of my time with her so it was her choice. Yeah.

So, that's the big update. I am finally able to let go to the hope of going back there a little thanks to the fact that I finally have a choice about the new host family. Maybe that's why Sali isn't e-mailing me - she thinks if she doesn't it will make this easier? I dunno. I know Okaa-san is kinda doing that. I was right when I thought she was making excuses to not see me. I think Mamiko said she wants me to be happy with my new host family first before seeing me. Now my big decision is to move or not. Of course I want to, but I am also a little afraid, you know? It is scary, and then if I don't like the new family then what? It's even more risky since they have never had an exchange student before and YFU knows nothing about them. I'm pretty much just trusting strangers who happen to be the family of a friend of mine. We'll see. I need to talk with Hiromi.

Sleep time. Super late. Should be sleeping now. Yup. Good night.

Mom's been telling me things about happenings at home. It's all kind of depressing... The Arabian Horse Times (some horse magazine that had offices across the street and at one time, horses) moved out and our annoying neighbor's dogs attacked an old lady and her dog (Spike!! ;_;). They are okay but that makes me sad. Poor Spike... He's such a sweet dog. I'm glad they're okay. Those dogs have nearly attacked my dad and Maggie before, too. My dad still walks by that house though to make their dogs bark to piss them off. Brilliant, although a tad dangerous after this incident I'd say.

I <3 Avril. Her lyrics aren't the most poetic but a lot of them really describe what I'm going through, although I doubt any of you really care. If you actually do, find the song "Nobody's Home" off her newest album if you don't absolutely despise her which about 80% of you probably do so in that case nevermind and please, no bashing comments. Avril and GLAY are keeping me sane, so you should be grateful.

I am trying to remember what I did yesterday but it's really tough cuz I'm so tired. Um, let's see... I woke up. I went to school. This week my school has tests so I stayed in the library and studied. Hiromi helped me a lot, but I was so tired I wasn't learning much. She's setting up a Japanese as a Second Language class for me and the other exchange students and stuffs. Uber coolies. I talked with my classmates and had a good time. I came home real early, and sat around. I was going to get on the bike and ride around for awhile but then host mom said we had to go to city hall for my foreigner registration thingy. Bleh. I got some money at a post office nearby and then we went home. That was about it.

Today was pretty similar but not. I went to school, talked with Hiromi and my teachers. I brought some of my banana bread for them to try and they liked it :) Yay. I learned a little but I still couldn't concentrate. The tiredness sucks big time. After school I went to Umeda where I did a lil' shopping. I grabbed Avril's new album and GLAY's new single. w00t. Then I stopped at Subway. I was SO happy to see a Subway. I didn't there were any in Japan, and I was just thinking that I wanted some. It wasn't as good as in the US, though, because they give a lot less meat. I also grabbed some KFC chicken to eat later since the sandwich was small. It was like $2.50 for ONE piece of chicken. What a rip. Even McDonalds and Subway weren't that bad. I walked around a bit but didn't find anything else real interesting since I didn't know where to go. It sucks. I left and headed back home.

Now I'm here. I'm tired. Really tired. Sore. Not like sleepy tired... Like my muscles don't want to move anymore tired.

Host mom's friend brought some children's books for me to use to study, and one of them is called "Koinu no Unchi". I didn't know what unchi meant although it sounded familiar, so I looked it up in Mika's electronic dictionary. It wasn't there. I looked it up in my book dictionary, and it wasn't there. I then looked it up online. It means shit XD So, the book's title translates to "Puppy's Shit". It also has some other meaning, but by the looks of the illustrations shit appears to be the correct word. Ah, great stuff. I'm going to study by reading "Puppy's Shit" now. Oh yeah, if I might be incorrect with this translation please inform me, although if I am I will be really disappointed as "Puppy's Shit" is a hilarious title for a children's book ;B

What would your Anime life be like? by hearthlight
Name:
Gender:
Your looks:	Lot's of leather.
Your best friend:	Twelve horny alien girls.
Your powers:	Shape-shifting.
Your beloved:	You can't pick just one!
Your occupation:	Lookin' pretty.
Your ending:	Very, very funny.
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Heh. I am teh loser XD Today was okay. I'll write more laterz.

Today was really fun. I went with Hiromi (the lady who's been helping me at school) to Tsurumi Ryokuchi park. I met her family, some friends, and her dog. Her son, Tsumihiro, is SO cute! :D He's 5-ish and really cute. I could often understand his conversation with her which was hilarious. Ah, I <3 lil' kids. The park is beautiful. So many flowers! Really really nice. Afterwards we went to one of those fast food sushi places with the conveyor belt and the sushi goes by. It was really yummy. Then we went to her apartment and had ice cream and stuff. After that they gave me a ride home, but it took awhile because we got lost. She was able to see my way to school kinda, so now SOMEONE understands just how much it sucks. Yeah.

When I got home I ate dinner, which was kinda okay tonight except the nasty instant soup stuff which I didn't eat and then I showered. Now I'm here thinking that my exchange is going pretty badly. All of my other exchange student friends are having a great time, getting along well with their host families, and learning a ton of Japanese. I am having a horrible time, I don't like my host family, and I am super super behind with my Japanese because I've been so stressed and tired. I've barely studied since April. Sigh. I suck. I want more than anything to go back with my old host family. I am only happy when I am away from this one. They are nice, but I hate living here. If things aren't better by June I am going to see Okaa-san and ask her personally instead of having others ask. I refuse to just sit back and allow myself to be miserable my entire exchange. I really wonder if Okaa-san misses me at all, though. Doesn't she get lonely being all by herself when Otou-san is at work and Sali is in Kyoto? Does she miss the fun times we had together? I really wonder... I doubt I'll ever find out as Japanese people don't seem to show that emotion very often. I just can't help but wonder, though...

Why did all of this happen to me? What did I do wrong that caused me to deserve this?

I am reverting to how I was in junior high. Always depressed unless I was with friends or looking at GLAY stuff or watching Card Captor Sakura. A couple hours ago I was watching CCS and now I am listening to GLAY's various radio programs which all have streaming net versions but I can't understand because they talk too fast. Jiro's seems to be the most interesting, but of course I'm a tad biased. Teru's also seems interesting although his voice is easy to listen to whether he's singing or speaking. He'd make a good announcer. Hisashi kinda mumbles. They all seem to appear on each other's radio stuffs too. lol, Jiro is hilarious. I have no idea what he's saying but he's funny. It sucks that I can understand Card Captor Sakura but I can't understand GLAY! ;_; Sigh. I am a loser.

And because I don't care, I'm not LJ cutting.

ANGER

1. Who did you last get angry with? My AR
2. What is your weapon of choice? Crying
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? Depends.
4. How about of the same sex? Depends. I'd like to hit my AR really hard. Maybe then she'd send me home.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? Probably my AR.
6. What is your pet peeve?(s) Homophobia, morons who aren't understanding (i.e. AR), idiots who force me to do shit I don't want to without giving me a chance to talk or work things out (i.e. AR).
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? Depends. I can tell you now I won't be forgiving my AR very easily unless she manages to get me back with my old host family somehow.

SLOTH

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a while? Study. I studied today by watching Card Captor Sakura and actually trying to understand the language, but I doubt that counts.
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? Not all that late, but I do sleep too much.
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: My buddies from the Tokyo orientation.
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? I dunno.
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)? Yes.
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? Yesterday. All the walking I do just getting to the bus or trains is enough, and I also rode bike a little and now my ass hurts because I haven't since like October.
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? No snooze as it's just a cell phone, and I couldn't.

GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Bottled water.
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? White, I guess.
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? The day Okaa-san, Sali, and I made that apple raisin pie that had raisins soaked in rum in it, and I ate a bunch of the leftover apple raisin mix. Either that or the wine in church when I was in 6th grade, I dunno which would be more. Not a lot, anyway, although my AR did offer my alcohol when I was at her house I refused. Moron.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? No.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? Yes, but I think most Americans do. After eating Japanese food for so long though I am losing a lot.
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? Sweets!
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH"? No.

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? A whole room filled with n3kk1d girls in Tokyo when we had to use the public bath.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? See first question.
3. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? No.
4. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? No.

GREED

1. How many credit cards do you own? My check card, that's it.
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? I dunno.
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? Use it to go to whatever college I feel like going to, then save the rest for my children's education if there is much left. I know, a tad greedy but it is a good cause.
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Depends on what I'm rich or famous for.
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? Depends on what it is.
6. Have you ever stolen anything? Not that I know of except software, music, and other downloadables.
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? Not many. Most of them are on mp3 cds.

PRIDE

1. What's one thing have you done that you're most proud of? Getting accepted for that scholarship to come here, although it wasn't that big of a deal and almost anyone with decent grades and who isn't super shy could do it.
2. What's one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? Coming here.
3. What's the one thing would you like to accomplish in your life? I don't know anymore.
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? Depends on how many people are behind me.
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? No cuz I usually am not that good at anything.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? Homework.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? Remembered to watch Card Captor Sakura. I still can't believe they're rerunning it as Japan doesn't rerun things usually. Saturday at 6:30 on NHK.